I hate bugs. They scare me and creep me out and I’m too much of a city slicker to have ever learned to “appreciate” them*.
That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about Paris: This city doesn’t seem to support much of an insect population. I’ve rarely seen anything apart from little ants or a small spider indoors. The one time I’ve ever seen a Parisian cockroach was four years ago in an office building—certainly a change from New York City.
Well, I don’t know what’s going on but the stuff of my buggy nightmares is coming true.
It started about a week ago when I was making dinner. I had boiled some broccoli and was set to drain it when I saw this white, bloated wormy caterpillar floating on top. I screamed and Dman rushed over. He tried to tell me that it meant the broccoli was healthy and not drenched in pesticide—of course not, because I only buy bio (organic). But despite his sound reasoning, I couldn’t bring myself to eat more than one floret. All I could think about was the worm crawling in and out of my food and laying its gross wormy eggs. Beurk! It’s enough to make a girl want to buy commercial produce.
A few days after that, I heard little D shouting about something one morning. Turns out she and Dman had discovered a giant black spider right outside her room. Dman scooped it up and threw it into our courtyard. “Why didn’t you just kill it?!” I shrieked. “It can come right back in our house!” Dman, however, takes a live and let live approach to the bug world.
So what do you think happened?
That spider crawled right back inside two days later! This time Dman trapped it underneath a glass bowl but it escaped, causing me to lie awake that night even after BB had gone to sleep after a feeding. I poked Dman, “I can’t stop thinking about the spider. What if it comes and bites the baby??”
Luckily for me, our cleaning lady found it and stomped on it as it chased Dae across the hallway. She then said she’d found an even bigger one upstairs and had killed that one, too. Two gigantic spiders—”the biggest I’ve ever seen in France,” Dman informed me solemnly—in our house! And does that mean that the one Dman chucked in the courtyard was a third spider?! The cleaning lady theorized that Dman brought them back in his luggage from one of his faraway travels because spiders like these do not belong in France. I am not happy about this. At all.
Finally, I was making dinner again last night. I brought out a head of garlic and pulled off three cloves to chop. All of a sudden, I saw something black and shiny crawl out from between the rest of the garlic. It looked like a mini scorpion and I jumped, hysterically screaming my way out of the kitchen.
Dman came over and poked it around a little bit before finally killing it and saying it was one of those bugs that crawl in your ear and attack your eardrum. WTF?!! It’s an earwig and according to Wikipedia, it doesn’t actually crawl into your ear. But it’s disgusting and totally frightening-looking and why was it in my head of garlic?!
Needless to say, I am traumatized and incapable of touching any organic produce or making dinner of any sort or going to sleep or hanging out downstairs where the overgrown spiders might be nesting…
*There is one exception when it comes to me and bugs. When I’m in the countryside, I’m more relaxed about them. Probably because they belong there—and not in my home.