Monday of Love: Divorce Actually

No, this isn’t my Dooce-like announcement that Dman and I are separated and/or filing divorce papers (sorry, psycho fans.) But I am saddened by all the news I’m hearing lately of couples breaking up, from Heidi Klum and Seal (didn’t they always seem like a solid celebrity pair?) to people I know personally. It underscores the rocky patches we’ve been going through in our own marriage and makes me wonder if divorce is inevitable in this day and age?

Our problems often stem from Dman’s hectic travel schedule. He’s gone about half the year and while that didn’t bother me back when it was just the two of us, being a single mom of soon-to-be-two  for six months out of the year wasn’t something I’d envisioned or planned for. But here we are and we’ve got to make the best of things, for the sake of our relationship and our family. And let me to tell you, it’s not an easy place to get to when you factor in egos, conflicting desires, the tedium and stresses of everyday life and the little resentments that start building up into blowout fights.

Marriage (especially with kids) is mostly not sexy, glamorous or romantic and I wish everyone could have a clear picture of that before marching down the aisle. I don’t think I was so starry-eyed when I got married myself. I was in love, for sure, but I was old enough to know that “til-death-do-you-part” might sometimes involve thoughts of strangling your significant other to get to the parting part.

So why do it at all if it’s so sucky and boring and sexless?

Because a longterm, committed relationship like marriage contains a lot of sweetness and happiness, too. I’ve never felt particularly tethered to anything on this planet–I’m an ultimate air sign with my sun, moon and rising all in air, for you astrology followers–and I kind of liked it. But it can be lonely and isolating, too, to feel so detached from everything. Being tied to Dman and then to little D has grounded me and made me a better–kinder, gentler, less selfish, more generous–person. They surround me with love on a daily basis and provide me with a sense of security I never thought I needed before. It’s funny because my longing for attention and approbation from strangers, fans and random men has really subsided with the real-time connections I share with my husband and child. (Clearly, something I should have seen a shrink about before. I think it was classic middle-child syndrome, but I digress.)

Since Monday of Love is ostensibly about advice, I’ll do my best, though I feel like my expertise lies more in dating than longterm relationships. But here’s what has seemed to help in the last few years of trial, tribulation and, yes, tenderness:

1. Communicate. Everyone says this because it’s true. Despite my swift ways with the written word, I’m less-than-articulate when it comes to talking about problems. I’m a classic stonewaller who shuts down when things get too emotional–except when angry, of course. Shouting I do extremely well. Anyway, I don’t need to tell you this is bad. Very bad. Dman refuses to accept my cold shoulder and forces me to say what’s upsetting me and that is good. Very good. You need to speak to air grievances, ask forgiveness, and make plans to move forward together. And it goes without saying that you need to be honest and state what you want while all this communicating is happening.

2. Be positive. Especially about your partner. It is so easy to see everything that’s bad about your mate: the snoring, the sloppy, the lazy, the inconsiderate behaviors. That can so easily turn into a vortex of viciousness where there’s nothing left but bitching, moaning and “what was I thinking marrying this asshole”-ing. Try, really try, to come up with at least 3, even better 5 or 10, things that are (or were) pretty great about your spouse and that you’re sincerely grateful for. Why not write these stellar qualities/deeds down for a few days and look what you come up with? If you’ve got nothing, then see Dooce/Heidi above. However, I’m pretty sure you were not high on a possibly lethal combo of ecstacy and oxycontin in Vegas when you got hitched to that greasy-haired dude who bought you a drink at the blackjack table three hours prior–at least, I hope not–so there are bound to be some things on that list. Isn’t it better to remember the good things and times (like when he bought you a drink at the blackjack table), and the reasons you fell in love in the first place, so you can start liking and loving the dolt again? But again, if you got nothing, you’re either a self-centered ingrate or probably need to see a lawyer stat.

3. Praise. Now that you’ve got your list and are (hopefully) feeling some warm and fuzzies again, tell your partner how great they are and how much you appreciate them, especially when they do XYZ. It’s called positive reinforcement and it works not only on animals and small children, but the rest of us. Who doesn’t love to be praised–and who doesn’t love the people who praise us, especially if they’re sincere (and sometimes, even when they’re not)?

4. Give kisses, hugs (and booty). It’s really, really important to keep sex alive in your marriage because it’s really, really easy to become roommates who happen to be raising a child and paying off a mortgage together. I know that when you’re tired and resentful, the last thing you’re thinking about is givin’ and gettin’ some, but physical intimacy connects you in many ways and letting that part of your relationship die out will probably lead to other parts dying, too. So even if you’re tired, try to make some sexy time effort. In my experience, the more you do it, the more you want to do it. So get to it.

5. Reevaluate. There’s a quote by Antoine de Saint-Expury that basically says love is “looking in the same direction.” I’ve always loved this quote because I think it’s what true commitment is: A collaboration to build your life, and perhaps create new life, together. Your vision and your values need to be in synch to have a solid relationship. If they’re not, maybe it’s because you’re not totally clear or honest about what your vision–or theirs is. Maybe it’s because both your visions have changed. Whatever it is, you need to evaluate and reevaluate so you don’t wind up feeling that you’ve been shortchanged or that you don’t know who this stranger in your bed is. If it turns out you want completely different things, then maybe a separation is the only solution.

I certainly don’t have the answers or the secret to a long and happy marriage. I’m trying like everyone else and sometimes failing at it. But marriage and child-rearing are the most serious and difficult things I’ve taken on and if there’s one thing Dman and I agree on, it’s that we have to do our best possible to make this a happy marriage, not just for ourselves but for our little one(s). It may be ridiculously idealistic (self-sacrificing, stupid) of us, but divorce is not an option–or at least not one we’ll take without trying everything else under the sun–because we want our kid(s) to have a fighting chance at being part of an intact and joyful family.

Any advice to add, you happily marrieds (or nots) out there?

Tags: divorce, Dooce, happy marriage, Heidi Klum