As promised, my postponed Monday of Love column! To make it worth your wait, I want to talk a little about sex today. Ooh la la. Here’s a recent question (sent by several different people, actually; I edited it to reflect the basic topic that everyone was asking about.)
Dear MoL,
I’m almost 30 years old* now and want to settle down and be in a serious relationship, but it doesn’t seem to be happening. I date guys and have sex with them, but then they never want to continue on with a relationship. What am I doing wrong? All guys seem to want these days is sex. How do I turn it into something more? I want love, not just sex!
-Sexy (but not wanting to be) Single
Oh SS, I feel your pain. I really do. I don’t know how many times I felt the exact same way about the guys I was dating and sleeping with. When I look back on it now, I know that my biggest problem was the lack of honesty I had—with myself and with those guys. I found it impossible to tell someone I wanted him to be my boyfriend and I was hoping that something would magically change and poof!, he’d tell me he loved me and we’d live happily ever after.
Maybe it happens like that for some girls, but not this one.
I’ll tell you a couple things: Most guys have no clue what’s going on in your head.** And they’re as insecure as you are when it comes to dating and relationships. They’re not sure if you’re just some hot chick who’s sleeping with a bunch of other guys. And if that’s the case, most men (not all) would rather not put themselves out there with you because no one wants to feel like a fool or get hurt.
If there’s something you want, you’re going to have to be brave, declare it OUT LOUD and go after it. That means telling that guy you want more than just a booty call every other night, if that’s what you want. If you want him to be your boyfriend, let him know. He’s going to have to respond one way or another—as opposed to you silently waiting for some sort of relationship fairy to wave their wand over you two. I hope he’ll respond in a way that makes you happy, but if not, ask him why (if you really care to know) and then move on as quickly as you can. There are actually men who are looking for a woman who’s secure enough in herself to know what she wants and is brave enough to put it out there. It saves them the trouble of having to do it themselves! It’s hard for guys to have courage all the time, too.
Lest you think I don’t practice what I preach, I was the first one to say “I love you” to Dman—and he didn’t say it back that first time! I was the one who always told him, “Step up or step off, buddy.” (And he eventually did.) For whatever reason, I was brave with him when I was afraid with everyone else and you know what, it was liberating to be that open, upfront and vulnerable. Because I knew that even if it didn’t work out with Dman, I’d be able to be that brave with someone else. Once you do something you’re afraid of, you’re not afraid anymore.
Stop sleeping with guys because you want something else from it. Having sex with someone because you want them to love you will usually set you up for some big disappointment. Have sex because you want the pleasure. Have sex because it’s fun or it’s good for your health and your mood (safe sex, natch.) But don’t do it because you want something else besides, well, sex.
I’ve had sex for lots of reasons. Because he was hot. Because I was horny. Because I thought that’s what liberated women did on the first, second, third date. Because I was lonely. Because I was drunk. Because I felt bad and wanted to feel better. Because I felt good and wanted to feel even better. Because I was in love.
But all those times I did it for any other reasons than because I wanted it (i.e. because I’m “supposed” to; because that’s what guys want; because then he might love me) were always a bad idea. My unrealistic expectations for what having sex was supposed to achieve were almost never met. And the sex was pretty unmemorable, too! I’m not saying that you need to save yourself—for a ring, for an arbitrary length of dating time that makes you not a slut, for a Birkin (haha)—but save yourself the heartache of doing it when you don’t want to and/or for the wrong reasons. You almost never feel good about it afterward. Plus it only makes you more confused.
Yes, guys really do want sex. A lot. But they often want other things, too. They just need to know what those other things are by you telling them! (I’m kind of joking, but not.)
Good luck and be courageous, Sexy Singles everywhere!
*Please, please, please get it out of your head, ladies, that you need to be married by 30 years old. It’s a number that doesn’t really mean anything and think about it, if you want to be married forever to the same guy and you’re hitched by the time you’re 30, that’s about 50+ years you’re going to spend, day in and day out, with this same person. Day in and day out. (Not so romantic.) What’s so wrong with shaving 5 or 10 years off that number and having those years to do whatever and whomever you want?
**If he’s the type of guy who actually does know what’s going on inside your head and what you want, but is choosing not to give it to you, then run—fast! He’s a manipulative jerk who’s trying to get as much as he can without giving anything in return.
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Tags: booty call, boyfriend, courage, dating advice, girlfriend, heartache, honesty, love, marriage, Mondays of Love, Sex, vulnerability, Wednesdays of Sex
Reading this post make me got these points taken about what I should be holding on strong to myself.
Be honest with myself and the guy I want to be with about what I really want and actually dont want for now and for the future and be brave, never afraid to loose what I might think good which is actually I dont even know yet.
U rock Maggie!!
)
Wow your words just hit home run.
I was dating this one guy until i screwed things up – not. He did. I decided to be brutally honest with him because i kind of fell for him. From then on, he disappeared until now and one week has passed. But hey i’m not feeling pathetic or ashamed for admiting to him my feelings. It did feel great in fact! So i gather its not my loss although i have friends telling me that i should have taken things slow ( I have one gf telling off for pushing things way with him after I told her that he’s a director in some company. How shallow!). I’m still a student and an Asian. He’s a director and an American. But i believe he won’t be the last big shot caucasian guy i’m going to meet.
Thank you posting WOS.
Great advice on not having to be married by thirty, Maggie! Super love it! I’m not yet thirty (well, I will be this year and I’m excited!) but the question of marriage has been directed at me plenty of times lately. I can’t imagine being married at this time, one being that I’m not seeing anyone and, more importantly, I’m still pretty immature. I also don’t see marriage for me in five years. I’m more like, “if it happens, it happens, if not, then it’s not.” I put more value in living life the way it’s deserved to be lived, which will not happen if I’m tearing my hair out daily because 30 is near and there’s no Mr. Right.
At the age 35, single, well divorced with 2 children (from 2 different failed relationships) I find myself depressed and down on myself about where I “should” be in life. At 35, I should be in my prime of my career and heading into the prime of my marriage with two pre teens. I feel like a failure because I live like a 20 year old..ok maybe 25 year old. I enjoy hanging out at the beach, surfing, or going to the springs and frolicking in the water, going to the ballpark with my kids, theme parks, water parks, taking spontaneous mini vacations, going out with my girlfriends and dancing all night, drinking to much
and even ocassionally having a fling (yes I said it) of course my boys only meet the men I feel fit as dating material although they only know them as moms male friends that she may have a slight crush on…Point is that I do miss my married life, I was married from age 24 to 31… and I miss having your best friend to share every moment of your life with and having a family with a daily routine. I miss that part of my life in a big way but I realize that dwelling on it isn’t going to make it reappear, neither is it going to make me a better mother. So what if I live like i’m in my 20′s and i’m not up to par with society’s idea of what you should be doing by 35, especially if you’re a single mom…but i’m enjoying life and most importantly, i’m enjoying life with my kids. I feel young, beautiful and very lucky to have 2 wonderful children to share my life with. I don’t regret my relationships because they have taught me alot about myself and what I really want from life and what I want in life is for my children to know that they never have to compromise..not their happiness or ideas of what makes them happy. I have plenty of time to fall in love again, obviously i’m not very good at picking the right men so why drag myself through it for the wrong reason, i am enjoying my relationship with my children and when I do find love again, I wont be in such a rush….because I’ll have the rest of my life to get to know that person.