This morning, I read yet another headline about yet another celebrity/politician/athlete who’s admitted to having an extramarital affair and how profoundly sorry he is for how he’s hurt his wife, his children, and most importantly, the public’s perception of him.
Has this story gotten old yet or what? With pretty much everyone being caught cheating, does it even warrant a mention (unless you’re at the Tiger Woods/Jesse James caliber of sleaze?)
I don’t know anymore how I feel about monogamy. While fidelity is highly important in a marriage—in my marriage—there are many types of fidelity beyond just sexual. I was talking with an old friend of mine the other day who’s been happily married and faithful for a dozen years now, but certainly has entertained thoughts, especially when he’s on a business trip (I know, how cliché), surrounded by pretty and available young women. Whether he acts on those thoughts is something he’s got to figure out for himself, but I did tell him that I’m not sure it would be the death knell of my marriage if Dman had a one-off fling somewhere.
As I go deeper into this thing called marriage, not to mention parenthood, sex has taken on a lower priority than it did before. Love, commitment, support and a shared vision are infinitely more important to me than the vagaries of sex. I’d wager that Dman feels the same way. So with less importance being placed on sex, sexual fidelity has become less important, too. To me, anyway. I’m not saying it’s not important, but it’s not the be-all, end-all of my relationship like it had seemed previously. Perhaps because we’re tied together by so many other things now, including our baby, the string of sex pulls less weight these days.
I’ve always told Dman, who’s spent many years working in the Middle East, “Hey, you can have a second wife, no problem. As long as I’m first wife, I would not mind a second wife picking up some slack and dealing with your crap so I can have some peace.” Put that way, he doesn’t find the idea so attractive. “I don’t think I want another wife—too much trouble! How about just a one-night stand?”
I haven’t settled that question yet. Theoretically, as long as safe sex was practiced and it was solely a one-time event, I probably wouldn’t feel like I had to end my marriage (taking half of everything, of course 
). I definitely understand the desire to have sex with someone new (hence my list, which is topped by one RPatz for the moment) and am experienced enough to know that sex doesn’t equal love and can be solely a physical thing. But theory and reality are often quite far apart and it’s surely possible that I’d be devastated and feeling utterly betrayed. Who knows?
Maybe I’ve been spending too much time in France, where extramarital affairs aren’t that much of a scandale. Or maybe the romantic ideals of youth have been replaced by the practical realities of marriage. And maybe I need to spend more (or maybe less?) time thinking about it.
But one thing I know for sure is that I am truly bored by the cheating spouse story. Clearly, monogamy is dead.
Long live monogamy!
Update: One thing I will say is unacceptable is an extramarital relationship that’s been hidden from me. A) Because a relationship goes beyond merely sex and will surely damage the marriage and B) Because lying is atrocious and just as damaging as the cheating. (You’ve been warned, Dman!)
Tags: cheating, fidelity, France, infidelity, Jesse James, love, marriage, monogamy, polygamy, Robert Pattinson, Sex, Tiger Woods
Fabulous blog!
Thank you!
I have actually entertained the same exact thoughts, though my boyfriend hates the idea. It seems like a common thread in relationships that the older you get, the less a woman cares. So if a one-night stand a few years down the road is only about sex and the rest of the relationship, trust and all, are still intact, why not?
The only real concern for me would be what would happen if he had too good of a time and wanted to make it a regular thing. I wonder if it might be better not to tempt fate.
Ha! Annie, that’s totally my thought, too–like will it be just once or three times in the lifetime of our marriage? Or once every other year? More frequently? And if that’s the case, isn’t it then just an open marriage, which kind of grosses me out and would definitely *not* work for me! You may be right about not tempting fate…
i agree completely. men/women/people already fall into temptation so easily. why toy with it now that you’re in a committed relationship where so much more is at stake (not to mention all the time, money, energy invested to get to that nuptial state)?
abnormal as it may sound (being a man) it’s the same reason i have insecurities about being in a threesome with someone i care for. there are just too many unforeseen factors and too much human error. that or i’m just old fashioned
rants -it’s nice to hear a man say those things! I definitely could never do a threesome – I’d be too jealous:) there’s no such thing as old-fashioned or whatever – you believe and do what is right for you. period.
Hear hear. It’s all about doing what is right for you and not expecting others to do the same.
what about respect? no relationship can function properly without it. do you suggest infidelity has nothing to do with a lack of respect for the person you’re sharing your bed/life with?
i don’t know…i find cheating is still a dealbreaker in my book. then again, i’m not married so i can’t speak from that perspective.
i guess the question is if it’s really cheating if you leave some wiggle room for it in your relationship? certainly if the ground rule is “no infidelity,” then it’s very disrespectful to break that rule. i think i’m wondering how important that rule is for me in my marriage? and if monogamy is not that important in my marriage, then i don’t necessarily believe that “infidelity” actually exists and/or is disrespectful. but again, this is more (and happily!) hypothetical for me at the moment.
I totally agree. Lying is WAY worse that a quick fuck–I’d still have a problem with it; but it’s more about the why of the act rather than the “YOU DID WHAAAT?!?!?!!?!?!”
-K
Right?! The lying would just kill me. But def more so with the longterm affair rather than some one-off thing.
Love the article, especially the RPatz part. I think infidelity is rampant. I am not sure if I would be as forgiving as you, but then again, I hope it will never happen to me.
Many <3s for Rpatz!!! And in theory, I'm forgiving… can't say about what would happen in real life!
you expressed the thoughts of many a woman
I’m glad you think so
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but monogamy died back in 1969. Just watch Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. Alternatively, pick up an old issue of Playboy, research divorce statistics, or observe the horrible emotional scars and lack of trust displayed by Gen-Xers.
)
Its genetic with some people I think and cheating is just in their blood!!
Interesting train of thought. As long as both parties know the score, are extramarital affairs okay? Hmmm…As a romance author, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking of sex with other men. Granted, they are fictional men, but is it cheating? I don’t think so. I’ve been with the same man for nearly 20 years and believe me – sex is important! You have to keep that part of your relationship alive, otherwise you get caught up in the hum-drum everyday practicalities of marriage. We have four kids and sure it’s a challenge to find time together, but there’s such a thing as a locked door when the kids are watching TV! And there are many ways to spice up a sex life if you take the time to look into it.
Great advice and please share some more as 20 years and 4 kids is impressive! And please share your romance titles–I love a good romance novel
My hubby and I were high school sweethearts. 20 years and we’re not quite 40. But before you say “awwww…” let me say that as much fun as we’ve had, we’ve had our share of bad times. When you get together, you don’t know what life is going to throw at you – illness, surgeries, unexpected pregnancies, etc. And yes – unexpected pregnancies put a strain on married life, too! There were times I wanted to throw in the towel, walk away and start over. But the idea of the perfect mate is a myth. You want perfection – you create it. The honest truth is that right now, our personal lives are going in two different directions. We’ve grown up and apart a little. But neither one of us is ready to walk out, and we don’t want to split our family apart. We still love each other, so, we’ve decided to start over. It’s not so easy when you have all that history. It takes work, and committment.
I’ll be posting things on my blog about life, and marriage, etc. so check it out sometime.
My advice – to stay in love, you have to fall in love with someone over and over and over…
Enjoy your little one. And it’s okay to fantasize while you’re with your husband, as long as he doesn’t know. In fact, he probably does it, too! LOL
Oh – and check out the Red Hot Sex Handbook. Lots of good stuff in there.
really interesting blog, thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Breland. I’ll be sure to check out yours, too.
Very difficult topic – I have to agree – honesty is the key issue here, and the lack of it is the most damaging part of an affair.
Although in saying that, an ex of mine had a one night stand during our relationship, which was a once off, drunken mistake that I would never have found out about. He couldn’t handle the guilt and it finally told me what had happened. He was happy to inflict pain should it mean he cleared his conscience
Essentially he told me to make himself feel better and pleaded selflessness for being honest. That kind of manipulation also has no place in a relationship. With hind sight I am very glad I did find out about it, and that informed my decision to leave however it was not the only reason the relationship fell apart, it would have done anyway.
My point is that, while honesty is paramount, the larger context needs to be taken into account and the real motives behind disclosure or indiscretion need to be looked at carefully – after all, cheating is usually a symptom of something else rather than the cause of decline.
I think you are all failing to explore the full implications of sexual interaction.
To call sex only a “physical” or “emotional” thing is not to have a “mature” understanding of what has taken place, for in words like ‘emotion’ and ‘physicality’ exist such a complex worlds that the general label fails to bring any real clarity to the matter at hand. And that is part of why these things are still in debate, we’re not making much sense.
I think to understand what sex is about, and that means to understand what truly happens to us during sex, we need to first drop our notions of being “mature” and “experienced” enough to confront some static reality. Once we are free of that we can begin to look closely at our attraction, and it is the in the essence of attraction that we can see what it is that we truly seek to enliven via sex.
i blame it all on france my dear, all on france
that place does crazy things to one…. did spend some time at one stage pondering the merits of polyamory , and there are many, but am in quite a dif frame of mind right now….
LOL. I think France must definitely be blamed. And there must be something between polyamory and monogamy that could work?? Thanks for your comment!
Huh! Yours is Dman as well, I think if you talk and agree, it’s fine but depends on the individuals and couple, of course
Ditto to everything you said.
I am European and have different feelings about marriage than the average American.
I am all for certain sexual freedoms but I could not live with him sharing his inner thoughts with someone besides me.
In other words, an affair of the mind would not work for me
Everything else I am open to.
I loved your post and will now look a little deeper into your blog.
Cheerio…….
Thank you! Yes, I do seem to find a different mentality here than in America. And I’m from New York, which is about as liberal as it gets in the States! Definitely an “affair of the mind” does *not* work!!!
Thanks for your comment.
intresting stuff.
Within the last century women have fought to be liberated, respected, and treated as equals alongside men; this blog diminishes the feats and efforts made, and those still in the making. To even entertain the idea of an extramarital affair or relationship, regardless of it being ‘purely physical’, or to make an addmittance of such, is to show a blatant lack of respect for one’s spouse and oneself. To suggest that ‘sex has taken on a lower priority than it did before’, because it has been ‘overtaken’ by other bonds and such, is to undermine the unitive and intimate aspects of the conjugal act.
It is beyond my comprehension that one could entertain the idea of sharing something so intimate, so intense, and private with a random business associate, someone other than one’s spouse or partner.
:S
I thought the whole point of women fighting “to be liberated, respected and treated as equals…” was exactly so that they could entertain whichever thoughts that they wanted and then express them in whatever manner they wanted—without fearing judgment or excoriation. But perhaps that is my personal interpretation of feminism. Far be it for me to judge what another person thinks (or doesn’t) about women’s lib, the conjugal act or anything else because everyone is different and has different opinions about virtually everything. Don’t you think?
From a biblical perspective marriage was introduced to unite two people together. So when you have sex with that person you are soulfully joined to them. this is why God didnt allow people to commit adultery because marriage is a covenant between you, your partner, and God. It was a way for him to bless your marriage under the covenant. That you would be faithful to each other, and offer your bodies (sexually) to each other from time to time.
If you had sex outside of marriage you were actually soulfully joined to that person. You may not see it in the physical but it exists in the spiritual. If you looked upon another person with lust then you were also committing adultery in your heart.
anyway, that is the biblical perspective of marriage… im not married so i dont know what your going through, hope you work things out.
I suppose this line of thought works for you if you believe in/follow the Bible. Many, many people don’t. That said, I did twelve years of Catholic school so I do know what the Biblical perspective of marriage is. Unfortunately, the Catholic interpretation of what the Bible says isn’t something I either believe in or abide by but I do appreciate your comment!
we have something in common.. i used to be catholic as well… however ive stepped out of the religion and now seek the truth about God and Christianity in general now.
The reason i bring up marriage from a biblical perspective is because this is where marriage started in the first place. i just figure, if i or anyone else wanted to understand marriage and why people dont care so much anymore, its always good to go back to where it first began and why it was introduced in the first place. lo and behold i found marriage started back in the beginning with adam and eve. then it was introduced into laws of the land.
Its true that many people might not follow the bible but it still started there even though people want to deny it.
From what I learned in Catholic school, the story of Adam and Eve (like many of the Old Testament stories) is allegorical, not historical. Catholics, unlike fundamental Christians, believe in evolution, which makes the idea of one couple placed on the planet (and married) completely implausible. Historically, the first recorded marriage was sometime around 2350 B.C. in Mesopotamia. The Old Testament is believed to have been written sometime between 1500-500 B.C., so from a purely historical standpoint, marriage was introduced nearly 1,000 years before the Bible was even written. And why was it introduced? So that men could be sure that children were biologically theirs.
I know you are not catholic so it’s kind of funny that we are talking about this, but then again why not. If Catholics don’t believe that Adam was a real man then they would be denying other scriptures in the Bible, such as the lineage of Jesus Christ in the New Testament book of Luke 3:23-38. I don’t think they believe in evolution anyway… I never did when I was a Catholic and I know my friends who are Catholic don’t but I can’t speak for all people and their views.
Thanks for your historical facts but just because the Bible was written at a particular time after several generations, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t being practiced prior. During Adam and Eve’s time, there was no bible yet, but they still got married.
The most important thing in any relationship is the undying love.
Marriage is law, my dear.
The reason why your man will brave his life to come to your rescue in an Iraqi war is not because of laws… but his love for you.
How many times must I say this on cyberspace…
There is no such thing in human relationship’s commitment other than the honor of love.
How many women left their rich husbands when their husbands file for bankruptcy…? What did the vows say?
Through thick and thin, wellness and hardships…
Think about it. Don’t pursue a law, pursue the man.
So true.
Very interesting article, and you have an engaging writing style too. I agree that sexual straying is not a big deal for a serious relationship, as long as the couple’s trust is maintained. But I think that even if both parties were very open and in agreement with each other about their thoughts and activities, there would still be an infringement on that trust. Even if the person succumbing to temptation does everything right, wouldn’t there still be the vague anxiety that transmitting an STD is possible, if only because the sexual relationship is no longer secure? Or perhaps the person slipping out on a tryst is using time that should be spent on something more important for the couple’s future – at least the other person may start to think that when they’re at work or taking care of the children and their partner is off on a fling. I think that monogamy is dead in its moral terms, certainly, but I’m not sure that the same human weakness that leads to sexual trysts wouldn’t be reflected in the at least some anxiety or jealousy in their partner.
That being said, I read your blog because I’m a Manhattanite in Britain, soon to be spending the summer in Paris, and I was just on the Cote d’Azur this weekend. So your premise was quite topical, and I enjoy it! I have an arts and culture blog that might be interesting to some of your readers, since I tend to use it to explore similar thought processes: http://www.thomasapolis.com.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Thomas. And I’ll be sure to check out your site!
I am not sure that monogomy is dad. Who knows if it was ever living? Now we hear about the cheating and em affairs more because of the media. Honestly, I have decided that relationships are just not for me, and I am going to stick with having a dog or two. They’re great, love is unconditional, expectations are known, dogs world, feed me, play with me, scratch my ears, and tell me nice things, that’s a dogs expectations, and they always love you. So I think dogs and a career are a good choice!
I don’t know if it’s too much time in France for you, as I really don’t feel that kind of “not much a scandal” here, as a pure french people ; whatever that’s also my point of vue!
Then each time I can ear/read/… somebody who’s confident enough in his/her life to *know* that relationships are not only about sex, that’s really helping.
BTW I discovered your blog a week ago, and read it all (or almost) that’s so interesting and mind-opening.
Thank you!
Merci a toi! J’ai une idee d’ecrire quelques “posts” en francais pour les francais… mais evidemment t’as pas un probleme avec l’anglais
Ho ça serait sympa également pour ceux qui ont un problème avec l’anglais oui, de mon coté j’essaie de ne pas perdre le niveau, justement!
thought provoking post. i think i might not find it so easy to get over……but then again i am very new to this marriage world. who knows how things would be down the line in future……..
Congratulations, newlywed! I’ve been married for two (and a half) years now. It’s great, actually and I wish you much happiness in your marriage.
I really enjoyed your post. I agree that monogomy seems to be long gone from our society. I personaly am not married but I had a fiance for three years he never physically cheated on me but was having a emotional relationship with someone else. In my opinion it was worse than if he had just had sex with someone he didn’t care for, but developing a relationship with another women behind my back? That was the straw that broke the camels back.
I’m sorry to hear about that! Yes, an emotional affair would just kill me, too. Glad you got out of that engagement, tho!
I think its funny that the minimization of sexual fidelity in a marriage is seen as mature and enlightened thinking. As a man who loves his wife and family very much, and who has never been unfaithful in 21 almost 22 years of marriage, i think that a lot of what is being said here is based on very little life experience. Do you really think in your humanity, that your trust wouldn’t be broken if you found out that the love of your life was giving themselves to another. What are the implications here? I think what is happening is we forget what marriage is really all about, it is the joining of two people solely to each other, in every way. It is the ultimate in trust, it is the ultimate in joy, it is the ultimate in companionship. If marriage is me giving myself completely to my mate, then there is nothing left for anyone else, not on that intimate level. My wish for you is that you never experience infidelity on any level or the pain that it causes. I work with people all the time who have had thinking similar to the many comments I have read here, and when it happens their lives are shattered and broken. Its unfortunate that so many men and women out there, like the ones we all hear about and the ones we don’t have forgotten the real value of marriage and love. LONG LIVE MONOGAMY!
Actually, I don’t believe I ever stated that my musings on this particular subject were either “mature” or “enlightened.” These are just my thoughts at this particular point in time. It’s wonderful that you’ve been married so long and have never been unfaithful—kudos to you. For me, it’s unrealistic to believe that I or my husband will never entertain thoughts of a sexual encounter with someone else. Whether thought becomes action is another matter entirely and as I mentioned in my post, I don’t know what my reaction will be if faced with the reality of that situation.
As for my life experience, you may have been married for almost 22 years, but I’ve had a few relationships over the course of about 20 years, so no, I haven’t had “very little life [or love] experience”—just different from yours. Ultimately, what I think is most important about discourse and exchange is that one doesn’t assume or even hope that someone else has the same experience, values, and ideas as you do. Your definition of marriage is wonderful and romantic (for you and perhaps for many other people); clearly, it’s not a definition that suits everyone and perhaps it’s their loss. But I think it’s both a disservice as well as quite a sweeping judgment to say that so many people “have forgotten the real value of marriage and love” just because they don’t share your particular values or sentiments. But I do thank you for your comment as well as for your hope that I don’t suffer the pain that others you know have.
I’m sorry if my comments came off Judgmental, not my intention at all, just responding from a perspective of working with a lot of Families and Kids who have been in families who have gone through the pain of this. My thoughts on the value of love were not meant to say others don’t get it, but should have just made clear my definition of love. Selfless consideration of another. Giving yourself for another. Thinking of another before yourself.
Thanks
While I don’t believe that honesty is often the best thing, I would like to know of any extra-marital stuff. But if I slept with someone else? I wouldn’t say anything. Infidelity is a deal-breaker for me, personally, but I’d like to think that I can move past the sleeping-with-somebody-else-that’s-not-me thing. Or maybe I won’t be able to. It’s something a couple should talk about so there won’t be any nasty surprises in the future. What works for some may not work for others but bottomline, it’s their choice to make, their lives to live.
*btw, this post is what makes your blog a big hit!
TCC, I always look forward to reading your thoughtful comments. Thanks for sharing–and for the props
I’ve been with my partner for the past 16 years. Neither of us have any desire to be with anyone else sexually or otherwise. Yet in this respect we are an odd couple, as most same sex relationships become, what is commonly known as an “open relationship” where one or both have sex outside of the relationship most cases its just like hetro sexual realtionships where its one playing around behind the others back however not always.
A long time couple we know, one will make the tea or coffee and bring it in for his partner, and the Bonk. Personally sex is not so much a physical thing it is a mental thing, so why go off with somebody else who doesn’t know you or what turns you on. Often the fantasy is so much better than reality. Perhaps I am just a super lucky guy for even after 16 years my partner and I can still rock each others world. If anything sex has gotten better with the passing years not worse.
There are two things I know, a lot of men as in 97 % will given the chance have sex outside their relationship, and its not necessarily with another woman. So if you can be honest and upfront about sex outside your relationship with each other I personally I think that’s much better than going behind your partner/ wife/ husbands back, apart from the safe sex issues and STD’s Its more the effects it has on the basic foundation trust. I think that’s really the thing, that’s the deal breaker, Its not the sex, but the lie / lie’s and broken trust.
One other thing. Woman may be fine with their guy going off for a one night stand. Though don’t expect it to be an equal rights thing. There’s nothing that hurts a male ego more than the thought, or knowledge that the woman is having sex with another guy. As all that says to the Guy is, He can’t push your buttons.