My Lame Superpowers
I love that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and George are talking about how George has like super-hearing—”I can hear a cotton ball touch wood!”—because I kind of feel like we’ve all got these superpowers which aren’t particularly exciting (like telepathy or shooting laser beams from your eyes), but that are useful nonetheless. And yes, I did read too many Marvel comics as a kid.
Here are mine:
1) Controlling the opening of subway doors
No matter where I am (New York, Paris, London, DC, even LA), I seem to have this magical ability to always have the subway doors open where I am standing. Dman mocks this ability, but let me tell you, when it’s rush hour and you don’t have to jockey for position to get into the subway, it’s pretty great. Because you’re the first one in, you’re pretty much always guaranteed a seat, too. Not so lame now, is it?
2) Thinking of someone and having them contact me
I know lots of people have that sixth sense or whatever it is that might let them know if a close friend or family member is the one calling them when the phone rings. My lame superpower is a bit more powerful, dare I say. I think of someone and it can be the most random thought of a person I’ve met once, or haven’t talked to in months, and within 2 to 24 hours, I will undoubtedly get a phone call or an email from said person. (Coincidence? I think not.)
I’ve been trying to determine if it’s because I’m a strong “sender,” where my thought of them compels them to contact me or if I’m a “receiver” and I’m picking up their thought of contacting me. I’m leaning towards sender, but really, I’m not sure how I would verify that. This power is not that useful. More like a parlor trick. But perhaps I just have to hone it to truly harness its power!
3) Clothes Visualization
This really comes in handy when I’m shopping or dressing for a night out. I can look at a piece of clothing on a hanger and see exactly what it will look like with whatever else I have in my closet (including accessories) and how it will hang on my body. You may scoff at this ability, but it saves time when you have to figure out what you’re going to buy and subsequently wear. Picturing an outfit and how it will look on you instead of having to actually put it on is a true timesaver. However, this power has weakened considerably since my body has changed from pregnancy. Now I have to try on clothes like other mere mortals. Sigh.
This ability is closely related to…
4) Sniffing Out Chic Bargains—Immediately
If there’s a sale, I can literally run my hands up and down overstuffed and disorderly clothing racks and pick out the perfect item, in my size and at rock-bottom prices, almost instantaneously. This is why sales don’t discombobulate me like they do a lot of people I know (like my sister). What’s great about this power is that it extends to whomever I’m shopping with. I can pick stuff out for you, too! This is how my lame superpower helps the world. Sort of.
5) Winning Email Battles
Anyone from Dman to various family members to major corporations will tell you never, EVER to get into an email war with me. Because I will win by lexical evisceration. It’s not pretty, I’m ashamed to admit—and I must apologize to whoever has thrown down with me via email. (I am sorry, but you asked for it.) Since this is clearly an evil power, I have tried not to utilize it in recent times. It doesn’t jive with my loving-kindness resolution.
6) Memorizing Numbers
I have the ability to memorize numbers (phone, social security, bank accounts, credit cards) rather effortlessly, sometimes with just one pass at the number. However, I do have to concentrate a little to do this. And this may be a genetic trait as my sister says she can do this, too.
Anyway, these are the powers that separate me from ordinary human beings. Sure, it’s not X-ray vision or Hulk-like strength, but I enjoy my superpowers, lame as they are. And I know that plenty of you have secret abilities you’re keeping from the world. You don’t have to hide them anymore!
(Just call me the Professor Charles Xavier of totally lame superpowers.)
Number 2 isn’t lame! I have something like it too–say, I’d suddenly wake up and think so and so is gonna text or call me. Ten seconds later–there’s the text, there’s the call. Or even when I haven’t heard from someone for a while, I’d whip out my cell, wait a few second and there’s the text from said person. I loove it!
I’m not sure what mine are….hmmm
For some reason this reminded me of the book The Celestine Prophecy… I’m not really sure why.
Lol. Just read a bunch of your entries and I love your blog. You’re a fantastic writer, and I appreciate it. I’ll be following!
Thanks, Isabella!! So glad you’re following
Holy moly! I live in DC and take the train all the time.
“Controlling the opening of subway doors” is like one of my favorites!!
Hi Maggie! I just remembered about this superpower that I KNOW I have: the ability to make people come out of the closet! (Nearly) everything I touch, turns gay!
LOL. now that’s a fantastic superpower. Except maybe when you find Mr. Right
That’s like in my younger, wilder days when I’d say that I had the ability to bring out everyone’s inner slut. That power now remains dormant. hahhaha