“22″ Going On…
I saw this video today by Lily Allen and I just love it:
To me, it really sums up life in the big city when you’re a girl becoming a woman. And as Lily sings, what society thinks or does with a woman who’s “past her prime”—in this case, thirty. I know I’ve felt past my use-by date, even as young as twenty, and I wonder what that says about the messages and images we’re bombarded with as girls and women?
I’ve been that drunken girl in front of the bathroom mirror, touching up her face and wondering what was going to come next that could possibly save me from a sometimes lonely and empty existence. You go out feeling fabulous in a new dress and come home with either a one-night stand or, more likely, the start of a raging hangover—and hope against hope that someone will someday come along and take you away from all of it.
As women, what does it mean to have triumphed in society? Landing the rich husband, the fab career, having a baby or two? Funny how our options, though supposedly endless, seem to fall within the same narrow confines of women centuries ago. Even Sex and the City shows women who haven’t really “made it” until they’ve married their Mr. Big because let’s face it, you can be forty and fabulous but if you’re single, you’re still a spinster (translation: loser.) Maybe it’s only natural that women and men partner off and procreate, but society is far more cruel to the aging bachelorette than the eternal bachelor, the emergence of cougars and MILFS notwithstanding (and aren’t they more the butt of jokes than anything else?)
If I could give some advice to all the lovely young things (and thirty is still young, dammit!) out there who think it’s all over:
1) It’s not and don’t believe those fools who tell you it is.
2) The man of your dreams, soulmates, partners—they do exist. But it takes really knowing and loving yourself to find that person. When you don’t need someone to take you away from it all, you’ll find the one who will (if that’s what you still want!)
3) Define your own success. Define your own happiness. It’s yours, no one else’s.
4) Evolve! If it hasn’t been working for you, change it up, because no one and nothing else will do it for you. Realize that what you wanted and were looking for at 20 probably isn’t the same as when you’re 30. So stop behaving the same way.
5) That probably means less clubbing and getting shit-faced. Trust me, you won’t find Mr. Right in the bathroom of a bar. (Seriously, I’ve tried. Many times.)
6) You are young and beautiful! Really enjoy your perfect skin and your thick hair and your endless energy. You have it, so flaunt it. Collagen and Botox will never make you look 25 (or 35) again!
7) If you really want to hold onto your looks, don’t smoke, try not to do too many drugs or drink too much and (it has to be said), avoid too much sun.
8 ) Don’t waste your time, energy and youth on guys who always have excuses for why they can’t commit to you.
9) Do go to bed with some guys just because they’re hot or sexy or fun—even if you (and he) don’t want anything else from each other.
10) Never, ever be afraid to ask for what you want, whether it comes to love, money, sex, understanding, anything! You’ll most likely get what you ask for, in one way or another.
BONUS:
11) Don’t take my advice (or anyone else’s) if you think it’s crap. You’re a smart cookie who can and will figure it out for yourself.
Miss M!!
Your post brought me close to tears (in a good way). By cruel society standards, I’m past the due date and haven’t found that someone yet. I know all the shit they say about patience-screw it! I am learning to love being in my own company and enjoying life as a single gal in a large city (I secretly smile when partnered friends tell me their grief). Your post was the pick-me-up I needed today, girl. Thank you.
Cali keeps rockin’…West Coast V
What an awesome post! You make me realize how wonderful I truly am. You are a goddess
Ladies,
You’re both goddesses!! I hope you keep remembering that. I think I have one more piece of advice: Let’s all get each other’s backs, women. If we could do that, then this entire post would be moot!
XO,
M
Awesome post. It’s something that I think about all the time. Honestly, I’m 20 years old and I’ve been thinking about dying alone since I was 17. Hell, I have an entire blog dedicated to dying alone. It’s so depressing. But I’m glad you found someone to share your happily ever after with.
P.S. Lily Allen is my absolute hero. She’s just so damned satisfied with herself all the time, I love it.
When I turned 20, i actually was in Paris at the time and I spent the whole day in tears, going “I’m old!” My (older) roommate was ready to kill me, if I recall… 20 is really so young and your twenties (as a decade) is such a fun, crazy, confusing, amazing time where you’ll hopefully figure out who you are, what you like, what you don’t, etc. I kind of feel like there’s no reason to even worry about being single (or dying alone) at that age. It’s the time to be single and enjoy exploring all the many thousands of options you have in front of you. Because they’re all there. Truly. It’s not worth worrying about your age at 20 b/c you’ll be 30 (which is seriously kind of great, I swear) and then 40 and 50 and so on…. I’ll have to let you know what that’s like when I get there (much earlier than you
And I love Lily, too. Now there’s a girl who’s living it up!
Really well written! I thought my life was over and that I was too old when I hit 23. And now I look back and just shake my head. What kind of messages are women being sent indeed!
Thanks for reminding us that we do need to define our own happiness. We are really lucky (those of us in free societies) to be able to even contemplate all the options that we have in life, so let’s stop thinking of happiness in such narrow terms, right?
Have a lovely day!
I read a lot of your stuff,just thought it was interesting. After reading this,I thought to myself I’ve heard plenty of crap about girls,women and their lifes and happiness. And I had enough of this bullshit. I’m 19 ,only kissed one boy in my life also the person who was the only boyfriend I ever had. I broke up with him because I thought “I don’t need this,I don’t want this”. I actually never thought a lot about getting a boyfriend and all the girly things. Sure I used my sister’s make-up and I played with dollies. Only when I was 5thou . I did get lonely (like most teenage girls and bla bla) I was depressed (still am) But I’m not a drama queen who thinks she wants to slit her wrists cause of her unhappy life. I actually had a horrible time when I was 9,having a sick mother never knowing who she really was. A dad with his own problems who got lost after my mom died. But never ever did I want to die. And I always thought the same things; I don’t want a boyfriend,I (never really talked much to guys),I don’t need much friends (I don’t trust a lot of people),I can’t talk to most or want to talk to people my age. I’m happy being me,always have been. I don’t care if I’ll die as an old wrinkly woman all alone (and as a virgin) I’m happy with that,it’s not because you don’t live up to the normal standards of a girl my age that you are qualified as a loser. I can take care of myself and I live alone in the house I grew up in (when my dad or my sister aren’t around) I was different as a kid,most people thought I was shy,but I wasn’t. I didn’t feel like I belonged to their world. I had to learn how to be independent and talk to people all by myself. It’s hard for someone with autism but hey I’ll manage it. (sorry for the late reply and my life story)
I have read this, reread this, and fallen in love with it. I am studying social media now and decided to repost this to my blog. I hope you don’t mind. I found it incredibly inspiring and want to share it with so many others!
All the best. And truly, thank you.
Thank *you*, Leah. I appreciate you spreading the word! All the best to you, too, and keep in touch.
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I’m turning 25 in a bit more than a month and have been reflecting way to much. Though my life now is much better than what it was and I’m in a MUCH happier place, I learned a lot of things the hard way and I appreciate your post sooo much because it would have been something I could have told myself at 18, and make my life’s journey easier. That said though, I guess in a way I’m glad it was tough because it made me appreciate what I do have now!
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