Yesterday, I put on a little sundress, some cute ankle boots and applied some lipstick and mascara. Dman looked at me and said, “You haven’t looked this nice in a long time!”
This got me to thinking why I’ve turned into such a schlump.
10. MARRIAGE. Now that I’m married, I really don’t have as pressing a need to impress people, particularly men, with my peacock feathers of short skirts, high heels and red lipstick. I can’t believe I’ve turned into such a cliché, but I know my hubby loves me whether I’m a schlub or a sex kitten—and it’s a LOT less work to be a schlub. But yes, I am aware that he really likes the sex kitten look.
A Sexy Kitten
9. FRENCH HARASSMENT. Dressing up in Paris is sort of not worth it. The men here show their appreciation not just with catcalls, but by following you down the street while continuing to chat you up, and in the worst case scenario, actually trying to touch you inappropriately. So instead of getting into a stony standoff or a screaming match because I want to wear a cute mini, it seems easier to dress down. Way down.
8. THE DAMN EURO. Quite frankly, the exchange rate between the dollar and the euro makes it prohibitively expensive for me to buy anything here. So I save all my shopping for when I get back to the States, which thankfully is happening next week. Sample sales, here I come!
7. SHOPPING IS LIKE SEX. I’ve been shopping for years and years now and I can’t say I’m as interested in it as I once was. It’s a little like sex. You’ve done it. Lots of times. In many different ways. And places. It can still wow you and be amazing, but you know what it entails: Frequently taking your clothes off (sometimes in front of strangers), trying things that don’t really fit and have no business being on your body, and very rarely walking away with something you want to keep for more than a season. I’m having dating flashbacks. AHHHH!!!
6. TOO MUCH DISPOSABLE INCOME. Before, shopping was practically a luxury. I had to save up all work-study money and later, my sad publishing salary, to get that one great pair of shoes or that fabulous dress for the season. And not having money made me a lot more creative when it came to hitting up vintage stores and the like. Now, I’m lucky enough to be able to buy something I want when I want it. (I mean, within reason. I’m still not burning cash at Prada and Lanvin on a dime.) It sort of takes the challenge and fun out of shopping. For me, anyway.
5. NO CLOSET SPACE. For a former fashionista, I have a real lack of closet space in the apartment. My clothes and shoes are unorganized and difficult to see at a glance. So I tend to pick whatever’s on top, jeans, a tee shirt, my Love By Australia boots. And voila: Exhibit Schlump.
4. MY LOVE BY AUSTRALIA BOOTS. I’ve always thought Uggs were ugly. Which they are. But I’ve also heard how comfortable they are and after years of wearing cheap high heels, my poor little feet could use some comfort. I couldn’t bring myself to buy Uggs; instead I saw these Love by Australia boots, which are slightly more chic. Though that’s still not saying a lot.
My Love Boots
Anyway, I love them. It’s like walking on poufs of cotton and I want to wear them at all times, much to Dman’s chagrin. He hates that I wear them in the middle of summer—with everything.
3. WORKING FROM HOME. Working by yourself at home leads to a major downturn in personal style, if not hygiene. I commend those people who work from home and act like they’re going into an office by getting up early, putting on their “work” clothes and so on. If I can manage to shower by noon, I congratulate myself on my productivity. Going into an office with other stylish women (and cute men) was always an incentive to dress well. That carrot is no longer being dangled in front of me.
2. I’M OLD. DAMN IT. I can’t tell if it’s marriage or just maturity, but the clothes I used to love wearing don’t feel appropriate anymore. Before, my fashion (and dating) motto probably amounted to “try everything once.” Now I feel the need to be more modest or something. But I haven’t figured out how to do that while still looking good. God forbid I have to start reading those Vogue stories: Fashionable in your 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond—for inspiration!
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON I’VE TURNED INTO A SCHLUMP:
1. FASHION SUCKS. Maybe this has to do with reason number two—I’m old—but fashion doesn’t seem as interesting, creative, fun or beautiful as it did when I was working in the field. I know there are some fantastic designers out there still but when it comes to style icons, I just don’t have one. I mean, Kate Moss is a gold standard (even though personally, I always found her to be kind of bitchy):
Kate Moss, bitchy fab chic
But there’s no one to really look up to these days, not with the Kim Kardashians, Paris Hiltons and Rachel Zoes of this world. Everyone looks either perfect and boring, thanks to their stylists, or they’re a big hot mess, thanks to reality TV.
So these are the many reasons I am a schlump. Now that I’m headed to New York, I’m going to try to de-schlump myself. At least I know there are stylish girls in the city that I can admire—and copy!
